How To Be The Ugly American - A Guide to Ridiculing Foreign Countries & Their Inhabitants for Fun and Self-Satisfaction

You should always be respectful of other people’s culture, even if they're primitive backwards cultures that includes things illegal in America since before our founding; even if the culture includes  socialism, a pathetic work ethic, earth-worshiping heathen religions, oppression of gays & women, atrocious fashion trends, insufficient indoor plumbing, absurd civil engineering, a complete lack of regard for any traffic laws, and an abysmally low regard for human life.  All cultures might not be equal, but we’re supposed to pretend that they're equal.

However, don’t let being respectful of these medieval cultures keep you from mocking them unmercifully.  Do you think Romans in ancient times didn’t respect the foreign cultures they conquered? Of course they did. That's why they conquered them.  Also there was the tribute, the slaves & the expanded territory, but always there was respect.  And mocking. Don't imagine that these two things are mutually exclusive.

Since American culture has already conquered pretty much every other culture on the planet, and they’re already paying us tribute by buying our technology, our weapons, our food, clothes, movies and pretty much everything else, we can afford to treat them with respect while simultaneously mocking them.

But HOW should we mock them, you ask?  For the benefit of all US travelers to foreign lands, I have written this guide.  These are just suggestions, and I welcome comments and additional ideas.  Also, I am not responsible if you get beat up.  However, with the proper application of sarcasm and snark, you can get away with most of these with only a few glances of disgust and ill will.

Try some. They're fun.

• Ask for the price of everything in dollars. “I don’t care how much monopoly money it cost, what’s the price in REAL dollars?”
• Similarly, any time a measurement is given in meters, centimeters, kilometers, etc, ask, "What does that translate to in real American units?"
• Wear shorts everywhere.  And tube socks.
• Lean close and ask, slowly and slightly louder than normal, “Do   You   Speak   American?” 
• Complain about the tiny sinks, the itty-bity toilets, the narrow stalls and the generally primitive plumbing. “Doesn’t anyone around here know about the wide stance? Or is that just an American thing?”
• Ridicule soccer.  Refuse to call it 'football'.  Instead, refer to it as 'that pansy kickball game'.  Ridicule Cricket even worse. 
• When viewing some ancient building or structure, say "They should really clean this place up.  If they picked up all these broken columns and stacked up all that stuff that's been knocked over it would look a lot better."  Also, "This place sure could use a coat of paint."
• Ask where you can get a real American meal.
• In your suitcases, pack more clothes than they even own in their backwards, mudpit country.  This works best if they have to carry your luggage for you.
• Ask if they still have a king, or an emperor, or whatever strange form of government they have.  No matter what the answer, act surprised.  “You still have a queen here? That’s weird.”
• Ask, “Is it safe to drink the water in this country?”
• Scrunch up your nose in disapproval and ask, “Are you Italian?”  Always pick a country other than the one you’re in.
• When viewing priceless ancient artifacts, say, "That would look so great hanging on the wall of my rec room."  If it's ancient pottery or golden pitchers, goblets or bowls, say, "Man, that would make an excellent salsa dish." 
• Ask, “What language do you’all speak in this country?”
• Remember: ONLY America is America. Just b/c a country is on a continent named North America, or Central America, or South America doesn't mean it's America. 
• Don’t adapt to their cultures. After all, they all want to come to America, so make them adapt to you.
• Order hamburgers whenever you want, and in any sort of restaurant you happen to be in. It’s not like they don’t know what a hamburger is, and they can make one for you. When it comes, eat it with your hands like it was meant to be eaten, & not with a fork and knife.
• Ask for a hot dog whenever and wherever you happen to be.
• If you’re in Mexico and have a street taco, loudly compare it to tacos at Taco Bell & say “Taco Bell does it better.”  Same thing for Chinese food in China, “Panda Express food is way better than this.”  Same thing in Italy with pizza; “Heck, we have better pizza than this at Costco!”  By the way, it's true.
• When ordering a beer in Germany, ask for Bud Light.  If they say they don’t have it, ask what American beers they DO have?
• When in England eating French fries (they call them chips, but you don't have to), & they try to give you vinegar, demand ketchup. When in France, ask for Ranch dressing.  When in Belgium, ask for Hershey's chocolate.
• If you meet a Canadians, say, “Oh, well you're practically the same as real Americans” because they love that.
• Whine about all the people smoking.
• Mock their drinking sodas without ice.  “What? They don’t have ice machines in this primitive country?”
• Wear a baseball hat all the time.  Who cares if the rest of the world doesn’t have baseball.  They should.
• Eat only at McDonalds, Starbucks or any good solid American chain.
• Complain about the foreign languages. “It’s like they have a different word for EVERYTHING. If they want to be understood, why don’t they just speak American?”
• Ask for translation for words that don’t translate.  “How do you say ‘Coca-Cola’ in French?”
• If they ask you where you’re from, stick your chest out and say, “I’m from the United States.”  Of course they already know that. You're an American, so you stick out like a sore thumb. But say it anyway, just to rub it in.
• Frequently remind all Europeans that the US bailed them out in two world wars.

Remember, they may hate us, but they love our money, and most of them would move to our country, legally or illegally, if they could. Heck, it seems like half of them are already here, either collecting welfare, or standing out front of Home Depot waiting for a day job. Or both.